I was in a junk mood as I drove into town one morning last week.  Not only did I leave my sunglasses at home (which pretty much blinded me almost 3/4 of the drive – my retinas hate me), but traffic was horrible.  And for no apparent reason.  I got a little sleepy because it took longer than usual to get to work, while my sister was happily dozing off in the seat right next to me.  Almost like she was rubbing it in my face, blatantly showing me that SHE could sleep for an extra 45 minutes that morning.  While this normally doesn’t bother me, it really got under my skin that particular morning.

Once we arrived, I was so exhausted from having to force myself to stay awake while driving.  I was grouchy.  And my eyes hurt.  As she began to rouse from her sleepy state, she was sort of chipper.  She commented on how bad traffic was – which further aggravated me because how could she have known that while she was asleep!  I mumbled a reply.  And while she made small talk about something or other, I remained silent throughout our walk to work.

I was silent, but my mind was racing.  Thoughts like “why can’t she learn to drive so we can take turns?” or “she is so spoiled” went round and round.  My favorite was “I want to be taken care of instead of doing all the taking care of”.

I’m older, you see.  I guess it comes with the territory.  I’ve always felt that as the older sister, I had to be more responsible.  I was also expected to be more responsible, which just created a never ending cycle.  Oh how I love those.

Lately I’ve been thinking that I’ve failed at being a sister.  I’ve always felt more like a second mother.  Always picking up after her, making sure she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing, and trying to get her to be more responsible like me.  We never had those moments of pure fun.  Except when we “played” as kids.  I say “played” because I never really played, I was always more interested in the preparations needed to play.  We had tons of barbies that had tons of clothes and shoes.  And I always dressed mine up and did their hair, which took forever and a day.  By the time I was done with that, I was tired and uninterested.  But I’d “play” a little because that wasn’t really fair for her.

Why is there much more responsibility and expectations expected from the older one?  Has anyone else noticed this?  I’ve always been jealous of the idea of being a younger sibling, even to the point where I’ve wished for an older brother.  Which is really impossible now.  Ha.  But the point is, my parents are easier on her.  The biggest example that continues to irk me to this day is how I paid a lot of my tuition with some help from my parents.  She has only recently been expected to pay.  Totally bologna, right?  Blah.

Anyway, though we probably won’t get any closer than we already are, I do appreciate having a sister.  I would have been lonely growing up by myself.  Plus, I firmly believe that it’s better for children to grow up with at least one sibling.  I’ve noticed over the years that the few people I know who are only children think differently.  It’s hard to explain.  Having a sister has helped foster the idea of sharing is caring, it’s not good to tattle, help each other out, teach her how to do that, etc.  These are things you don’t think about because they are ingrained in you.

She is always the first person to ask if I need anything when I’m sick.  She wakes me up if I’ve fallen asleep before showering.  She’s also a lot friendlier than I am and is quick to befriend people, while I take some time to warm up.  She’s smarter than I am because she tries harder.  And she has a passion for all things Asian – which led to her majoring in Asian Studies and double minoring in Japanese and Korean.

Though I tend to get irritated and am a little short tempered with her, I need to keep in mind all the good things that I admire about her.  I only have one sister, and I’m her only sister.  Looking at this from another perspective is important because it forces me to think about her and not myself.

I need to stop thinking of just myself.  I’ll admit I was thinking very selfish thoughts.  And I’m trying to curb these.

Being a sister sure is tough.  Who would have thought that?  So I guess I’ll forgive her for sleeping every single morning, even if she is taller than me. 😛

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