Two weeks ago, I saw the movie Eat Pray Love with a friend.  I went in already expecting that I’d walk out wanting to travel even more than I do now.  The movie, after all, is about a woman named Liz who travels to three different countries in order to gain the passion and hunger for life that she once possessed.  The countries?  Italy (Eat), India (Pray), and Bali (Love).  I happen to want to travel to Italy, so I was especially excited to see that portion.

And I was not disappointed.  There were so many good feelings she experienced in Italy as well as meeting wonderful people.  Also, she ate tons of food that looked absolutely delicious!  Italy is like carb heaven.  And let’s face it, I love those darn carbs.

As I said bye to my friend and started to drive home, I sat in my car pondering what my favorite parts of the movie were.  There were the quotes that I desperately tried to remember.  Seriously, have you ever tried to watch a movie you’ve never seen before and repeat in your head the line you don’t want to forget over and over again?  It’s tough.  Real tough.  But, I managed to remember my two favorites!

  1. Ruin is the road to transformation.  I love this because it symbolizes Liz’s journey.  She is broken down and feels completely depleted, hence the traveling.  The traveling enables her transformation.
  2. Losing your balance to love is sometimes finding your balance in life.  I love this also because *spoiler alert* Liz finds that she has to do this at the end in order to regain her balance in life that she was so determined to find.  It’s such a whimsical quote, don’t you think?  I love the idea of losing balance in order to gain balance.

After remembering the quotes (and I’ll be honest – I gave myself a pat on the back), I felt a range of other feelings.  Not only was I feeling a deep urge to travel, I was also feeling these: confusion, sadness, and frustration.  All of which derive from my fatal flaw.

Indecisiveness.

I started to analyze my life and what I’ve accomplished, as well as what I want to accomplish.  This is hard to do since I’ve only lived 23 short years.  But I went down a list.  Get a dog.  Double check.  Graduate from college.  Check.  Find future husband.  Check.  And that’s it.  That’s all I could come up with.  I’d appreciate it if you don’t laugh at my meager list.

I think what happened was that I came off such a high from watching the movie because of how it ended.  Then when I started looking at my own life and how I have no passion and no hunger for anything, I felt slightly depressed.

So there I sat.  Driving home.  And the tears started to fall.

I couldn’t believe I was crying while driving home.  I quickly brushed the tears out of my eyes so I could see and was finally glad when they subsided.  Much to my indignation, the occasional tear still managed to escape.  What actually got me to stop was my want to walk into my apartment without gaining any attention to my red cheeks and slightly puffy eyes.

As I started to think more about why I was being so silly, I realized I actually do have a passion and hunger for some things.  Things like traveling, and my want to have my own place to decorate, and how I love Bryce and my dogs so much.  But these aren’t substantial.  Substantial in the sense that they aren’t big dreams.  I’m in no way implying that these passions are inadequate.  But most of the things I do have a passion for require money.  Money that I don’t have – and will probably never have.

I’m much too practical a person to act on such wants.  I realized that I don’t seize life in any way, shape, or form.  I just live it.  Day to day.  And it’s so mundane.  Am I mundane?  Probably.  But the strange thing is that it’s only towards myself.  I often find myself feeling much more passion for whatever is going on with everyone around me.  I strive to push my friends towards whatever goals they set for themselves, and offer support when they need it.  I embody an optimism for everyone else that I don’t share with myself.  I’m in no way tooting my own horn but, in all honesty, it’s true.

Why is this?  Why do I not hold the same expectations and positiveness for myself that I show others?  Why do I constantly believe that anything is possible for everyone else and not me?

This needs to stop.  I am just as good as anybody else.  And I need to start thinking this way.  Even as I write that, I feel scared to accept this fact.  Scared that I’ll fail in whatever I do.  Scared that I’ll make a bad choice somewhere.

I hate making decisions.  Even down to where I want to eat.  Can’t stand it.  When given too many choices, I start to clam up, sweat, get a slight headache due to going back and forth, and eventually I’ll shut down.  Lately I’ve been better though.  I’ll just make a hasty decision to be done with it.  I don’t know if you can consider that better.  But hey, I’m making a decision.

This indecision has become a problem lately (even more so) because I’ve been considering getting a Masters degree.  I won’t even get into that right now because it gives me a headache.  But this is part of the reason I feel like I don’t have passion in life.  I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.  So how can I choose a program?  And should I just choose something anyway?

Blah.

So anyway.  I’m working on this daily.  I constantly try to keep in mind that I need to put my big girl panties (excuse me :-P) on.  And I’ll definitely keep you posted when any major decisions or existential movies are seen.  I bet you didn’t know Eat Pray Love would cause so much chaos.

Here’s a quote to think about:

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

I think it’s about time for me to make some mistakes.

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